Reminiscence .

Laughing .

2011-07-12T15:47:00.000-07:00

I laughed , laughed , laughed .
Laughed at how I think .
Laughed at how I act .
Laughed at how I breathe .
I laughed at my foolish loves ,
that turned to broken hearts .
I laughed at my attempts to try ,
when it was all a lie .
I laughed at my life ,
for it was a cruel joke .

I laughed ,
'till I cry .

It's A First

2011-07-12T15:40:00.000-07:00

It's a first that I wanted to cry out loud ,

without a care in the world .

It's a first that I've thought about it so much ,

my head hurts .

It's a first that I wanted to turn up the music ,

to drown myself in the music and never wake up .

It's a first that I just want to talk to someone .

It's a first that I just want someone to understand .

It's a first that my heart hurts .

It's not a first

that I feel lonely ..

again .

cherryblossom .

2011-06-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

the life span of a cherry blossom

is one week .

the beauty only lasts

for one week .

as it starts to fall

i started to wonder :

how lonely is

that pedal ,

only being admired for

one week .

then it falls to the ground

as if to answer my question ,

it struggled helplessly .

all my life ,

i've been waiting for this week .

this is the only week ,

when people will actually stop ,

and admire my beauty .

i'm already satisfied .

it's okay to be lonely now ,

since i'll be loved again ,

next year ,

same time .

tears start to fall from my eyes .

i said to it :

no you're wrong ,

you're being loved even though

your outer beauty doesn't shine

until now .

I will always love you ,

no matter what .

i will always ...

d.o.w.n.h.i.l.l.

2011-06-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

recently,

i have been crying more than often .

not like crying about my life ,

but crying during sad moments in animes,

or sad moments in the book .

usually ,

i wont cry this easily ,

but now,

i do .

its like i cried so hard at one part ,

but other people didnt even think it was sad .

thats weird isnt it ?

my theory was ,

is probably related to

how my life is going

right now .

maybe all my stress

is being relieved through crying .

but what is funny is that ,

i dont cry like other people .

i dont cry in my sleep or in a shower .

i cry about sad moments in a fantasy world.

why?

why is luck not coming my way ?

why is 2011 the same as 2010 ?

an excerpt from my journal ,

2011-05-18T16:36:00.000-07:00

If one day,
you tell me you love him ,
i'll just smile and encourage you ,
while i feel extremely broken hearted inside .
because i know very well that ,
he'll love you

more than

he'll ever love me .

NTS/LESONLEARNED #14

2011-05-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

what the fuck is wrong with this freakin world ?

its like one moment i was having such good days ,

and then it all changed to such bad luck that i never fucking got before.

fuck , man

do you really fucking hate me that much , world ?

ugh,

i swear,

these are like the worst day ever,

of my whole entire

fucking

life .

NTS/LESONLEARNED #13

2011-03-18T14:09:00.001-07:00

Everything in life involves a choice.

NTS/LESONLEARNED #12

2011-02-18T20:12:00.000-08:00

so what

i cant go to the movies with my friends

but you can go shopping with your friends .

huh ,

i guess thats what you called fair ?

sure , maybe it is a tie

but

how bout this :

first you kept saying

all those crap about how im ur

best best friend and

you value me the most

and shit ,

then you goes and

spends $30 on your friend's bday present ,

and you just folded stars for me on my bday .

sure, maybe i am a bitch

who wants expensive presents on her birthday

but still,

stars ;

dude ,

really ?

at least the next time you go poking around for a present,

go make something that worth treasure for

not just some crappy stars

that even i can make .

and besides

your "confessions" in the stars

just made the whole present worse.

i know its like a long time since my birthday ,

but i brought it up cuz

the shopping trip totally threw me off .

and it just suddenly popped up on my mind .

did you ever know how badly i wanted to go shopping with friends ?

but i think it'd be better if i just gone alone .

if only i can find a way .

my lesson ?

riches&funs never cross my way .

~~but bitches does~~ .

NTS/LESONLEARNED #11

2011-02-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

In order to win, someone has to be sacrificed.

~~oh great , im starting to think evil .~~

confused ,

2011-02-03T18:07:00.000-08:00

i've never been in love before ,
or i dont think so .
from when i was borne to present ,
they're all crushes that ended with a
not so happy ending .

the truth ?
not happy at all .

i've heard love is complicated,
painful,
wonderful,
magical.
i have never experience it,
so i have a lot of questions.

why love
when its so complicated and painful ?

do you give up everything ,
just for love ?

can you ?

do you still love,
when they change their appearance?

do you love because of their
inside or outside ?
truly .

i hope
with all my heart
that i will understand
love's
real meaning
one day .

im still waiting for my prince charming .
will i stop?
probably.
there is a great chance that ill never meet him.
but since there is still hope,

i tried not to give up.

so true .

2011-02-03T17:39:00.001-08:00

NTS/LESONLEARNED #10

2011-02-03T17:30:00.000-08:00

I just realized . I am going to lose control one day .

NTS/LESONLEARNED #9

2011-01-16T18:53:00.000-08:00

Weekends pass by faster than you thought they will.

;goodbye

2010-12-31T17:24:00.001-08:00

Goodbye 2O1O ;

Hello 2O11

NTS/LESONLEARNED #8

2010-12-30T21:47:00.000-08:00

You always regret what you don't say .

-taylorswift

NTS/LESONLEARNED #7

2010-12-24T19:47:00.000-08:00

Rereading a book, or rewatching a show after a certain amount of time can be quite amusing .

NTS/LESONLEARNED #6

2010-12-15T15:09:00.000-08:00

The only thing that's good about being sick is, you will see how many people really care about you.

NTS/LESONLEARNED #5

2010-12-12T17:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when you try your hardest to fix things, they don't appreciate it. Ironically, when they try their hardest to fix things, you tried to appreciate it, but failed to.

from me to you ,

2010-12-10T19:58:00.001-08:00

NTS/LESONLEARNED #4

2010-12-10T19:19:00.000-08:00

Spending Christmas with the person you like is impossible. At least for me.

NTS/LESONLEARNED #3

2010-12-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

If someone drop their stuff. Pick it up even though you don't really know them. It might make them feel warm inside because you were the one who picked it up.

NTS/LESONLEARNED #2

2010-12-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, things aren't what you expected them to be .

- like the 10days apart birthday .

NTS/LESONLEARNED #1

2010-12-03T14:46:00.000-08:00

Never dream big on love . It never happens.

you cannot stop me ,

2010-11-28T12:07:00.000-08:00

ill do anything to prevent you from seeing it ,

even if it includes deleting it .

Dear Sally ,

2010-11-12T14:09:00.000-08:00

if you can read this ,

fine .

have u ever considered about what our friendship had gone to ?

i was this close to say lets not be friends anymore .

you were seriously pissing me off .

its too tiring , and i dont want to deal with it anymore .

you will never guess how hard it was for me to talk to you .

i have to measure my every sentence , every word before it comes out of my mouth .

im too scared to hurt you .

you take things too seriously .

i just realized , true friends are not like this .

they joke around with eachother ,

they swear at eachother ,

and they understands those actions are just friendly ones .

you didnt.

remember i said once that i dont trust you anymore ?

i said it jokingly ,

you took it seriously .

there are other times ,

in the texts,

that i wanted to just swear at you .

again ,

i was scared to hurt you .

our friendship was walking on a thin line ,

i know .

but you were pissing me off so badly ,

i think im going to do it soon enough .

another thing that totally creep me off AND piss me off is ,

you stalk my fb profile every day .

i know a lot of friends does that ,

but you creep me off because you dont do anything ,

you basically just became a stalker ,

and trying to see what my daily life is .

you are trying to take my life and integrated into yours .

you can't intrude into my life ,

and i can't intrude into yours.

no wonder thats how you get thing

about my friends saying ily to me .

chill ,

gosh .

i didnt DID NOT think those 3 words from you is unimportant,

is just that it feels like you said it so passionately ,

while i know all my friends said it as in a friendship way.

but in your passionate way ,

you made me feel like youre a les.

and im serious ,

you probably is a little bisexual,

if you kept stalking my profile .

one more thing,

for some reason,

your sorries ,

just piss me off more .

i dont feel your apologies in them .

and apologizing is not something you should do right now .

thats basically it ,

and i hope you can come to realize that ,

friends arent forever .

the only person that will be with you all the time ,

is you .

trust yourself ,

believe in yourself ,

dont lose yourself .

and everyone have their own lives.

you dont have the worst life in the whole universe .

where am i ?

2010-11-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

i was this close to give up all together.
i was this close to throw it at you .
i was this close to yell at you .
i was this close to never talk to you .
i was this close to break into tears .

i was this close to fall apart .

but i held it all together .

piece by piece .

stored it in my heart .

should i have not stored it ?
what will happen ?

maybe is better if i didnt store it .

today,
more than ever ,
i cant seem to find my place in this world .

life ?

2010-11-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

Life = Massive depressions .

; never

2010-10-27T18:07:00.000-07:00

we can never go back to the way it was before now .
its too late.

thinking back , we had been fine then,
sharing bits and pieces of secrets .

argued , but back to normal once resolved.

what happened ?
i truly dont know.

all i know is you've changed,
i changed ,
we changed .

time is a terrible thing isnt it .

i felt terrible thinking this but ,
you've become a biitch to me .

a great biitch i suppose ,
but im not used to it .

maybe someone will appreciate all these special attention,
but unfortunately ,
i find it unexplainable .

or was it just because i dont understand friendship at all ?
maybe .

just to inform u,
im not the kind of person who take blame on myself .

so ,
everything is ur fault .

since u said u dont mind if i dont care.

fine betch .
go smd .

Birthday&&Halloween

2010-10-25T19:01:00.001-07:00

October ..
special month .
Birthday & Halloween .
Weirdly , this year, im not really looking forward to meh birthday . or rather, dont want to do anything special :|
since the bad bad conflict that happened between us, we havent really talked at all . well , wat i think is because she doesnt talk to me , so i wont talk to her . sometimes , she says random things online , and i will like to think ill know wat it means , but unfortunately , i dont . like couples , if u dont explain things , u wont know wats wrong, communication is seriously , incredibly , scarily , important ...
Birthday . i dont want to spend it with her . but it makes me feel really bad .
Wishes on birthdays , does it ever come true ?

Howdy ,

2010-10-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

didnt update old blog in a long time . why ? because u didnt update urs , and im not willing to tell u every detail of my life . too much tests recently , have a trip coming up. crushes everywhere , going crazy. all classes getting boring. friends start to separate.

life sucks .

Hurts .

2010-10-15T16:39:00.000-07:00

"The higher u set ur hopes, the bigger ur disappointment becomes ."

Ironic.

2010-10-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

" Isn't it ironic that we adore the ones who ignore us ; ignore the ones who adore us ; love the ones who hurt us ; hurt the ones who love us ? "

As usual .

2010-10-13T16:23:00.000-07:00

"Can I be yours , and only yours , forever ? "

i'll definitely regret it later .

hot summer, mang . +w+

After all the things we've gone through , it didn't make us stronger . instead , now , i have to be careful of every word i say , so i won't hurt you , or make you think the wrong way .

Speak Now .

2010-10-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

Don't say yes , run away now .
I'll meet you when your out of the church at the back door.
Don't wait or say a single vow .
You need to hear me out and they said speak now .

- [ Speak Now ] Taylor Swift

Meant To Be ?

2010-10-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

We never really talked , but i enjoyed the moments when u spoke to me . I likee how ur making me laugh sometimes , but i dont like how i cant make you laugh . Every moment is still fresh in my head like im experiencing them right now , how much i wished i am .

if i ever meet that person , i believe im really lucky .

i have so much questions for you , do u remember my name ? do u know i was right next to you ?

it is coincidental , but i wanted more ,longer . forever .

i hope it was meant to be , that we were in so much groups together . i'd be so happy already .

Regrets .

2010-10-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

^that was exactly what happened today :c .

i regret wat i did today , im sorry .